News Flash

I wrote this to my kids last Spring at some point. Anyway, I just finished cleaning their bathroom as a favor (I don’t normally clean it for them, but it’s someone’s birthday weekend), and I’m pretty sure I caught a communicable disease while I was in there. So this seemed appropriate to share today. Please don’t message me with parenting tips; I’m obviously using extreme hyperbole in this letter in order to make my children laugh. They are really well-behaved and helpful children (normally). I’d hate to have to use extreme hyperbole on you. 

——————————————–

News Flash:

Mom Might Be Going Crazy. Only YOU can help!

This headline might seem a bit extreme, but it’s no lie. The fact is, mothers all over the world, mainly in first world countries*, are going crazy. Your Mom is no exception.

This might be because:

  • She feels an enormous amount of pressure to make your life a constant garden of roses bathed in the glowing light of eternal sunshine.
  • She spends an inordinate amount of time sitting in traffic while driving you to and from school and other places you desire to travel.
  • She allocates vast amounts of brain space keeping track of three other people’s schedules and making sure that every aspect of your darling life is coordinated.
  • She feels obligated to send you out in public in clean clothes and to occasionally make it her personal problem to ensure that you also have clean hair and clean teeth.
  • She, along with Dad**, feels responsible for providing a somewhat clean house for you to spread your junk around and lay upon the floors and couches in your free time.
  • She finds more and more often that it would be easier to become a brain surgeon than make one more grocery list that adequately supplies dinners and lunches for children that were somehow raised to hate fast or convenient food of any kind.

In addition to all of these worries, Mom’s brain is also filled with her own life. I know—complete shock! She has a thriving business that is a full time amount of stress in itself just to keep it running. She also likes to have fun sometimes, because she’s a real person, and not a Mom-bot*** as you might have heard rumored.

At any rate: I’m sure by now you are asking: How can we keep our Mom from going crazy?

Well, since you asked. You can start by:

  • Keeping your stuff off the floors and counters and stairway in the main living area where near-crazy Mom may trip on them.
  • Cleaning up your bathroom when it begins to resemble a truck stop/gas station restroom because the smell nauseates your Mom and makes her feel more crazy.
  • Putting away your laundry instead of telling your poor Mom that you have a “system” and that is why your laundry is spread all over your bedroom floor.
  • Doing the household chores that you know you should do—like putting away the dishes, clearing the table, sweeping the floors, cleaning bathrooms, taking care of the cats, taking out the trash, etc. etc. so that Mom does not have to use up precious vocal power to remind you, or worse: do them herself.
  • Remembering to tell Mom about things you need to eat, wear or have for important events well before the morning of or night of the needed time. This ensures that your Mom’s brain will not melt from chronic stress.

Finally, the number one way you can help make sure your Mom does not become one of the “crazy” Moms is to give your Mom a hug, tell her a joke, share a book, bring her a snack or in general find a way each day to show her that you appreciate that she is not crazy yet.

————————

footnotes:

*mothers in non first-world countries have more important things to worry about, obviously

**We all know Dad does way more than Mom, but for purposes of this letter, we’ll assume he only cleans the house

***Perhaps if you save up, you could afford a Mom-bot and all your troubles would be resolved.

Comments Off on News Flash

Filed under Uncategorized

Comments are closed.