I went shopping today.
John has been begging me to take some time and go shopping for myself for awhile now. He seriously can’t understand why I would not want to spend a few hours alone in the mall on a Saturday afternoon. The last time I did that, I almost clawed my eyes out, so….
But with our upcoming trip, and the very real fact that the only spring clothes I own are either “office prude” or “backyard weed pulling” I figured I had better suck it up and do some shopping. First I spent two weeks gearing up by looking at spring fashions on Pinterest. On Pinterest, everything seems possible, even the notion that I will suddenly be able to pull off casual, yet glam sundresses and jean jackets with extremely high but adorable wedge shoes, all while hanging off the back of an imaginary motorcycle as we cruise down the Pacific Highway. (no, the motorcycle fantasy thing has not gone away. sorry people).
So today I had a meeting out near Hamburg, and I set a goal of going in a few stores to look for some casual spring dresses. I started in Target, because that’s about as high end as I usually get and I wanted to ease myself into the process. I got pretty excited when I found some long sleeve t-shirts on sale for $4 each. Nevermind that they weren’t dresses and I’d probably sleep in them, they came in pretty jewel tone colors so they qualified as fancy. I promptly picked out a black one and a white one and proceeded to the checkout. (Well, first I bought the kids some new underwear.)
With Target under my belt, I felt like I was ready for something more glamorous and I headed to Old Navy. That proved to just be completely overwhelming due to the amount of clothing offered, and completely underwhelming due to the fact that the clothes all look like complete crap. I have no idea what is going on in there.
That experience got me thinking maybe I needed to go a little more high end, so you guessed it….I headed to the Gap. The Gap was just overpriced Old Navy, so I headed to Loft instead. At Loft I found a nice college aged sales associate and immediately blurted out, “I need a cute dress I can wear on the back of a motorcycle!” No, not really. But she did help me find a few dresses to try on, and all of them were cute. I was finally making progress. That is, until I got into the dressing room.
It seems that the definition of cute dress this spring requires that your breasts be non-existent. All of them had high necklines and cinched waists that looked adorable on the flat chested mannequins, but gave me a bad case of giant uni-boob. I tried to console myself by upping my price point and made White House Black Market my last stop. There I had pretty much the opposite experience of Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman, in that the saleswomen did not ignore me because I looked poor, instead they attacked.
I tried to be nice, but firm:
“No, I’m just not that into Magenta, even if it is really hot this season.”
“No, I don’t really want to try on anything animal print. It’s just not my thing.”
“Yes, that dress is nice, but I’m not going to the Oscars, just a casual day Malibu, thanks.”
There was no one else in the store so they just kept bringing me more hideous clothing until finally they handed me this jacket, and even though I was in no way shopping for a jacket, my eyes just lit up. I think I can safely say that when I saw the jacket, I finally knew what a real woman feels when she goes shopping. It was absolutely fabulous and no matter how impractical, I knew it had to be mine.
So now I’m fancy in my new jacket. It’s not a dress, but it’s a start.
Next week: I’m going to the mall.